


Raynaud

by Aivynh



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Galaxy Garrison, Headcanon, Hurt, Hurt James Griffin, M/M, One Shot, Season/Series 07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-25 23:17:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18711697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aivynh/pseuds/Aivynh
Summary: He promised him, crossed his heart, hope to die and all this jazz not be late again and even picking him up in his dorm. But Lance didn’t wait him at his door nor in his class. He didn’t show at their next class. He didn’t show for lunch. He was nowhere and James grew worried. What was he doing?





	Raynaud

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [i'm willing to wait for it, i'm willing to wait for you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15657243) by [ThePackWantstheD](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePackWantstheD/pseuds/ThePackWantstheD). 



Lance was late again for their class, he promised him, crossed his heart, hope to die and all this jazz not be late again and even picking him up in his dorm. But Lance didn’t wait him at his door nor in his class. He didn’t show at their next class. He didn’t show during the lunch break. He was nowhere and James grew worried. What was he doing?

It was only during the simulations with Iverson that he got his answer. He asked his teacher who ignored him. Then his classmates asked too. They all asked. And Iverson had sighed, passed his hand on his face several times and sighed again.

“Cadets Lance, Hunk and Pidge went missing last night” he dropped.

There was a stunned silence then everything erupted in shouts. James was immobile and pale, if he dared moving, breathing just a little too deep he was scared he would shove Iverson on the wall and demand him what he meant by it, demand explanations, and maybe would punch him in the face. Because Lance couldn’t go missing. He couldn’t disappear like that.

 

xxx

 

A month passed and Lance was still missing. He was still missing and James was still waiting for him to appear all smiles and cheesy pick-up lines.

  
xxx

 

Another month passed and Veronica let slipped something. James almost broke down. He asked her, begged her. And even though she really wanted to say something, to comfort him in some way, she shut her mouth in a thin line, pressed his shoulder and walked away.

  
xxx

 

Lance was now presumed dead, James felt cold and had nobody to warm him up.

 

xxx

 

He was restless, he couldn’t stop working, because he was good at it, and because it kept his thoughts about Lance at bay. It kept bright memories, soft kisses and shy smiles locked away. He worked until he passed out on his books. More rarely on his mattress because he always had an agitated night and woke up more tired than ever.  
He worked to forget Lance. To forget Lance’s cold body somewhere. To forget warm lips turning cold and blue. To forget bright eyes becoming glassy. To forget how his heart was aching painfully each moments separating him from Lance.

 

xxx

 

James only cried once. When he was lying on his bed, seven million eight hundred sixty two thousand four hundred seconds away from Lance. He choked on his sobs, big tears rolling on his cheeks. Lance will not come back. Lance will not come back. And James will see another day without Lance, he will live a life-time without Lance, until they meet again.

 

xxx

  
The cold sat under his skin and between his ribs.  
He aced every tests, every exams and every simulations.  
The cold never left. It unnerved him.

 

xxx

  
He turned eighteen and had nobody to celebrate it. He snapped at people all day long. He snapped at people all the time now.

 

xxx

 

He grew cold like the space, he grew distant like the stars from the Garrison. And he became so good during simulations, he would fly between them in no time. Maybe he will see Lance in the sky again.

  
xxx

 

The first time he tried to pilot a real ship, he was congratulated about how succesful he was then he was left alone, wheezing, coughing, choking on aching feelings. A little voice in the back of his head saying how romantic it would be to fly for the first time together.

He caught a cold, James thought breathless as he collapsed on the nearest bench.

  
xxx

 

This night, after the curfew, he went to a bar in town, drinking few shots, dancing with strangers to have another reason to be breathless. He even flirted a little bit, hoping the cute person in front of him would make disappear the ghost of Lance. Would make him forget about the acid hiss he always felt in the back his neck.

The sloppy handjob he had in the toilets did make him forget about Lance. For half a second. Then he felt sicker than ever. He finished quickly, refusing for something more, refusing for hot and drunk kisses. When he was finally alone, he puked his guts, disgusted by himself.

He never felt so cold in his life.

 

xxx

 

Sometimes he hated Lance. He hated him so much, leaving him with a hole in his chest, a hole he couldn’t fill because Lance was gone and not coming back. It was easier to hate someone when you couldn’t love them.

 

xxx

 

James hoped he will be whole again, one day.

James hoped he will never get over Lance.

 

xxx

 

James had now a team. It was nice, they could keep up with his coldness and his snarls.  
It was less nice when he wanted the most important person to meet them. To be proud of what he accomplished, what they accomplished.

 

xxx

 

It would be nice, he thought, to take the cruiser and fly into the sun. To feel warm again, to feel Lance’s sunny smiles one last time.

 

xxx

 

A missing person came back. From the sky, he crashed on Earth’s surface.

It was not Lance.

 

xxx

 

Commander Holt brought promises of war, he didn’t bring Lance back.

 

xxx

 

Lance was not dead.  
Lance was not dead.

James staggered and put his clenched fist again the wall. His legs were too weak to support him. His throat was constricted and he cough and cough and cough. And each time his brain was whispering to him : Lance is not dead. Lance. Is. Not. Dead. He never was. What did he do? Tears started to gather behind his eyelids, the pain inside and outside was almost unbearable. And between the cloud of his pain: hot drunk kisses, the smell of piss and alcohol. What did he do? He hated him so much. He loved him so much.

They asked him if he was alright.  
He waved them off.

He puked in front of an admiral, five commanders, three supervisors, seven scientists and three cadets.

 

xxx

 

Lance might not be dead but James was still alone. Lance might died the second James would take a moment to think about him, about the future they might finally get. Lance might die saving the universe. But more importantly Lance was still thirty two million seven hundred forty five thousand six hundred and nine seconds away from James.

 

xxx

 

They were so apart James didn’t remember what it was to be with Lance. To spill other words: love words instead of harsh words, war’s words. He didn’t know anymore what is was to have butterflies in his stomach, he only had alcohol to warm his guts for so long. He didn't know the ache of laughing to much, only the ache under his skin.

 

xxx

 

James wanted to learn everything again.  
If only Lance would not die saving the universe.  
If only James would not die protecting their home.  
If only there was no space-time between them.

 

And he would finally say the words he was aching to say for so long.

_I hate you._

**Author's Note:**

> I was supposed to write about Kinkade and Lance then James came and well, the rest is history.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
